Let me explain.
I'm not a small woman. I am well over 100 pounds overweight, although because I'm also very large-framed, I would say that me being as big as I am isn't like a small-framed woman being 100 pounds overweight. I am still relatively active and healthy - which is a blessing in and of itself. I have a family that loves me and a job that does not seem to discriminate against me because of my weight.
But in reality - I am mentally miserable. I have an extremely low self-esteem when it comes to my physical self. Intellectually my self-esteem is fine.... in fact, I could be a little "over" self-esteemish in that department. (can't believe I just admitted that). However, my physical self... not so much. My self-esteem is so bad in regards to my physical appearance I'd say it is close to the point of self destructive. While I can do things anyone else can do, I do not because I fear how others may perceive me. I hold myself back even though I probably don't need to - I let it impact my life negatively. The negative "self talk" is abusive. I'd like to think borderline abusive, but I'm down-right mean to myself.
On top of that, my weight plays heavily with my thanatophobia and anxiety disorder. Yes yes.... its bad enough to have these issues, but when compounded with the fears of having a heart attack or stroke due to my weight - it makes for a fun Saturday night.
Sure, its easy to say "well... don't do that then" but its not so easy. I have lost weight before (70 pounds) and felt better as the pounds melted off - the thinner I got, the better my life seemed to be. There is definitely a direct correlation. As I lost weight, I had fewer panic attacks and it was definitely easier to shelve the negative thoughts about death and dying.
I want that back.
And I plan on attempting to get that back using yarn as my visual.
|Crocheting My Life Back|
300.4 to be exact.
I want to do a weekly post here - talking about my weight loss progress. But in addition to this, with each pound lost, I am going to reward myself with a 6" square. 100 squares will be 100 pounds lost... and those 100 squares will be joined to create an afghan representing my weight loss journey. I will never have more squares made than pounds lost - granted, if I gain during this journey, that just means I cannot make any more squares until I lose the weight I gained PLUS more.
Each week I want to share my weight loss progress (or lack thereof) and discuss what I did that week to be successful and what I did that week that I could do better. I want to discuss my fears. I will come up with a format once I start those posts, which I would like to make on Fridays.
I have always found crochet to be a very healing activity and I am hoping that some of that healing can spill over into my weight loss journey. I want to think about weight loss with each square I make - use each square to represent the decisions that I have to make in order to lose weight and become healthier. As I make each square I will pray, think, and most likely cry - perhaps the afghan can take the pains away of being an obese woman and help me grow into a more confident woman - help me become a woman who has the same self-esteem levels about her physical self as she does her intellectual.
I have chose yellow and white as the afghan colors - although I admit, these are not "my" colors - the yellow represents obesity awareness. I only ask you, my readers, now to not judge me for my obesity - my weight does not define me as a person. Be aware that people who are obese are still people and have feelings - in fact, they may be more fragile than your average person because they are obese.
This afghan will represent awareness, health, growth, change, sadness, depression, and healing. It will represent so much and I hope that one day I can set it aside and call it done - to finish this journey towards a healthier me.
So what can you expect?
I am hoping that every Friday to post something that shares the following information:
1. Current Weight (regardless of a gain or loss)
2. Total number of squares complete
3. A picture of the squares
4. A review of what I did to help (or hinder) my weight loss journey from the last week
5. Reflections/Insight of the previous week
6. My fears
There you have it. I put it all out there - including my weight (eesh). Thank you for letting me use this blog as a form of accountability for my health.