U is for Ugly

Ok folks - this is a little out my normal character because I'm going to be a little.... rough? candid? rude?

My post today is about ugly - and yes, crochet can get UGLY on so many levels.

First level - yarn barf.

Second level - frustration inducing

Third level - plain, flat out ugly as holy sin... and this is the level I have in mind for this post.

I'm going to show some pictures of things I find to be ugly - now, if it is your design, I'm sorry. If it is something you find absolutely attractive or a must have, again - I apologize. If it is something you must have the pattern now or else you'll melt - I'm sorry.... If any of these things are exactly what you like to crochet, then I'm sorry. This is my opinion and things that I find absolutely horrific and should never ever ever been made....

The first item is a pair of crochet shorts.

I mean, really? First of all, the fact they are trying to make shorts is bad enough, but striped shorts? skin tight striped crochet shorts.

*shudders*

Now, I'm not saying crochet couldn't be used, but I think there are about 10 better ways to go about it - and making pink and brown vertical stripes is not one of those ways. The website that posted these beauties, the Ugly Sweater, has been around for a while and provides a lot of "oh dear" moments as you flip through the pages.

Now the next item I can't bring myself to link to any pictures - crochet bikinis. I'm sure that on the runway, these are fine - but I have seen a LOT of pictures of women wearing them out for swimming. I have only a few words: crochet does not create a tight, hole-free fabric. Crochet tends to be like a sponge - if you wear the bikini into the water it will absorb water and get heavy and sag/stretch. And when things with holes stretch, the holes get bigger! If you want to wear crochet to the beach, please please PLEASE do me a favor and just crochet a cute wrap or go the extra mile and make a sun hat - just not a bikini. Please.

Speaking of runway - a lot of crochet makes it to the runway and is used for artistic expression. I don't think it's ugly. It is just a matter that when I see it at Walmart or a picture of someone strutting down the road in something hideous, I want to scream.

No.

Crochet is an art form - it really is. To a skilled designer, the resulting piece can be absolutely amazing.

Or, in the hands of a not so skilled designer, it can look like unicorn vomit.

Texture, color, shape, weight, flow, design - all play together when you are talking about designing something spectacular. Just because you make 10 different sized rainbow squares and circles does not mean you can force them together into and call it a tunic or dress.

It just doesn't.

Ok, another category that I can't really put a picture on here in good conscious is when people crochet genitals. Yeah - you heard me... genitals. I am a pretty open-minded person but if you are going to make them, I guess make them for private use? Not sure what you'd use a crochet **** for but hey, whatever. I see them on Regretsy all the time - vagina seat covers, pillows, etc. Perhaps I just don't get it. I don't know - but attaching a large male *bleep* to a pillow doesn't make it art or desirable - at least not in my book.

Now, perhaps I'd crochet one as a joke - but it wouldn't be something I'd take pictures of and post up on Etsy hoping to sell.

Obviously, that's personal preference on that one.

I still laugh at the pictures from people who do - does that make me a hypocrite? Perhaps I'll have to rethink my stance on crafted privates. *taps chin with finger*

Perhaps the real statement is - if you are going to crochet a *bleep*, then at least do a good job of it.

Yea, I think that's the real statement I'm trying to make on that one.

I'm going to leave you with probably one of the most famous "just because you can doesn't mean you should" crochet items....

The turkey hat.

That's right - this beauty is 100% crochet deliciousness.

*shudders*

I remember reading the story of the woman who did it and why, but must have blocked it. I remember that the designer suggested this hat was "sexy" - well, not suggested it - she SAID it was sexy.

I don't know what it is - but I see no purpose to actually having a turkey hat or crocheting anything similar.

I don't think the man will find me more attractive if I wear it... I definitely don't think he'll find it sexy. Even if I tossed on the sexiest of lingerie, I'm pretty sure he'd laugh his arse off at me.

Putting sexy aside, I don't know of any social functions that call for such an accessory, and I'm pretty sure it is a bit too much for a place like Walmart.... and work is totally out of the question.

I don't deny the skill and time spent creating such a.... thing, but I think the designer could have spent her energies doing something else.

Oh... and don't crochet hats for cats - they never look like they like it, no matter how hard you try.

(Please note: many of these fantastic items can be seen on the What Not to Crochet blog.)


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This post is part of the ABCs with the Accidental Knitter meme. The Ravelry post is here if you are interested in reading other posts or would like to join in yourself!

(and again, sorry if I offended!)